Dear Working Mom,
“Morning Routine”. What feeling do those words conjure up? Something beautiful and elusive?
Just hang on a second, dear working mom. Before you start Googling for your favorite celebrity’s morning routine, or wondering which corner of your house can become your “morning ritual” zone… hold up a minute.
Take a step back, and think about the definition of a morning routine:
- a scheduled routine that involves only you…
- a designated and repeatable time away from kids, work, and all family responsibilities…
- getting in your self-care before anything else that day…
These are all things that might be more trouble than they’re worth, when you’re a parent. Because when you expect them for yourself, and don’t get them, you start to feel like you’ve somehow failed yourself in favor of your family or your job. And a morning routine is supposed to support you, not give you materials to cut yourself down with.
Don’t get me wrong– if you’ve already got a great morning routine, or if other mom friends swear by them, that is all good.
I’m writing to you in case you dream of a morning routine, but haven’t gotten there yet.
I’m just writing to you in case you’ve given it a try, and it feels like all you get is frustration and disappointment. Do feel like you can’t get the hang of it? Like maybe you’re missing out on one of the secret weapons of a centered person?
If that’s you, dear working mom… drop that self-talk right now. Sometimes, dear working mom, for some seasons of life, a morning routine is too rigid. Hitching a routine to the morning means that when you miss it, you feel disappointed and off-kilter. You don’t need that.
Of course, I don’t want to downplay the importance of time alone to grow and reflect. At the heart of it, I think that is what a morning routine is trying to get at. It’s supposed to be about something very important: daily time to yourself, in a small and powerful dose, when you can engage in a comforting and familiar set of actions that center you and grow you.
Now that, dear working mom, is nothing to sneeze at. It’s really important.
But it’s NOT important that this happen in the morning.
It’s NOT important that this happen at the same time each day.
And it’s NOT important that this happen before you can show up for your family, or your job.
In fact… as a working mom, dearest, it’s actually important that you drop those exact 3 expectations. Make yourself a small routine, and then be flexible about when it happens. Remind yourself:
It does not need to happen in the morning.
It does not need to happen at the same time each day.
It does not need to happen first, in order for you to feel ready to show up for your family or your coworkers or your job.
Because here’s a fact of mother life: you don’t always get to decide what time of day you have a moment to really catch your breath and set yourself up. Between teenage meltdowns, firefighting at work, and commutes, it might give you more headspace for a small and regular dose of self-care if you drop the expectation that it happens first thing in the morning. And please– let’s not even discuss the details of how toddler early wake-ups can disrupt the best-laid plans for morning routines..
Now, this does not mean I’m giving up on routines and renewal and daily self care. I need it, especially as a mama, and so do you. But rename it. Don’t call it your “morning routine”, or your “evening routine”, or your “lunch break” routine.
Instead, embrace the flow of your mama life. Call it your “starter routine”, and decouple it completely from a particular time of day. Also, decouple it from the expectation of being used exactly once a day. As a mama, some days you will be able to sneak in 2 doses, and sometimes you will get zero doses. That’s okay.
Why “starter” routine? Because it restarts you.
It’s a short, renewing, focusing set of small habits that leave you feeling refreshed. It can be done any time, in most locations, with either no devices or any device that’s available.
If you like this idea, but you’re not sure what it should involve, let me suggest:
- 5 things you’re grateful for, spoken aloud or written down on a post-it or phone note
- 5 minutes of effort on something you care about that is NOT urgent, but is meaningful to you
- 2 minutes to jot down what you hope to finish today, and call out what are the top 2 tasks
This is what mine currently looks like:
- 5 minutes to write a little bit: journal, draft an article for this blog, or even work on a short story if the juices are flowing.
- 5 minutes to review the to-do list versus the calendar. If it’s still somewhat early in the day, this is for today. If it’s already pretty late, then I go ahead and preview what’s coming up tomorrow. If I don’t already have a list, then I jot one down. I put a star in front of the “must-do” items. Most importantly, I estimate what each task might take, then I look at the calendar’s schedule and try and block out when I might be able to tackle each “must-do” item. Often, this involves cutting a few things I thought were “must-do” items before I looked at my calendar and admitted that space and time have limits.
- 5 minutes of watching training videos that relate to my career. For me, as a software engineer, this means watching a section or two of whatever Pluralsight course I’m taking right now.
This “starter routine” puts me into a really good headspace. I walk away refreshed. When I do this just before I start my workday, as a “morning routine”, it does indeed help center and focus me for work. When I do it at lunch, it’s a nice pick-me-up that can work even better than a cup of coffee. And when I don’t get to it until the evening, then it’s a wonderful way to feel like I’ve worked on “important but not urgent” things that matter to me (career development and writing) and that I’m already ahead of the game for tomorrow with a cleaned to-do list.
So– it’s time for me to wrap this letter up, dear working mom.
By all means, continue to read articles about morning routines and their immense benefits. But please, oh please, give yourself some grace and don’t trick yourself into thinking that it must happen in the morning (or even the same time each day).
All my best,
Wendy
PS And as for those articles, don’t ask yourself if the author is child-free. Or whether they are just a much more put-together or wealthy parent than you are. Sometimes those things are true– but this isn’t about them. This isn’t about other people, or the morning. It’s about finding a way to create a package of small and refreshing habits for yourself. Give yourself that gift, at whatever odd times of day you can, and call it your little “starter routine” instead.
PPS Thanks to @the5th on Unsplash for the photo at the top of this post! Check out their beautiful work at https://unsplash.com/@the5th
